


a book for your thoughts

by haisepuff



Category: Tokyo Ghoul
Genre: Angst, M/M, POV First Person, Past Abuse, books and letters, brief mentions of abuse, just some angst yknow, sad boyfriends, sap, theres sap for days
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-07
Updated: 2017-11-07
Packaged: 2019-01-30 17:56:07
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,441
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12658536
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/haisepuff/pseuds/haisepuff
Summary: When words fail, he writes them all down, and hopes to see him smile.





	a book for your thoughts

You are more than what you believe you are, Kishou.   
I know, you’re hurting. And I know, it’s hard to talk about.   
It probably scares you, doesn’t it…? You’re afraid that when I find out I’ll think less of you.   
But…I’ve already figured it out Kishou.   
I haven’t been with you that long in retrospect…only 3 years or so. But I…it feels like I’ve known you a lifetime already.   
I’ve been with you enough to learn your ways, the small things no one notices.   
You adjust your glasses when you’re nervous, or fidget with your sleeve when you don’t think someone is watching.   
No one seems to see it but me, but there’s a frightened look in your eyes more often than not, though you try your best to hide it.   
I wish you’d open up to me a little more, trust me to be there for you…but I also understand. I don’t blame you, nor am I upset that you keep to yourself.   
Well…I am upset, just, for your own health.

I’ve come with you to meetings or to talk to them, the Washuu.   
You hide it pretty well, but I can tell how scared you are of them. The way your breathing picks up the slightest bit, or the way a small bead of sweat forms on the back of your neck from nerves.   
I wish I could reach out and hold your hand whenever I see that you’re scared, but I know that will only make things harder on you because they don’t understand.   
They hurt you, so badly, I’m sure.   
I know how much you hate what you are, what you do.   
You talk in your sleep sometimes, you know? And you have plenty of nightmares.   
I always pet your hair tenderly until your breathing settles back down again, and I stay awake to watch over you.   
I don’t mind though, so don’t worry.   
I’d stay awake forever if it meant you could sleep peacefully.   
I’m not that strong, it’s like what everyone says. But I promise I will do everything I can to protect you.

I wish, I wish so badly that I could fix what they did to you when you were young.   
You were only a child, Kishou, it wasn’t right.   
It makes me sad, and I kind of feel like crying too…but it’s true. It’s not your fault either. No matter what you say to put yourself down, you were a child when they began putting you through this hell.   
You were only a child, you couldn’t do anything against it.   
You were raised by monsters that hurt you and took away your joy and passion, they wanted you as their weapon.   
They treat you like an object, a secret weapon they can use whenever they like because they don’t see you as anything else.   
And…I know you agree with them. Why wouldn’t you…? It’s how you grew up.   
None of this has ever been your fault.   
They’re nasty people, they broke you when you were just a kid!   
I’ll take them down one day, Kishou. And I’ll set you free, even if it kills me.   
I would gladly risk my life for you, because you deserve to be happy, to be free from this hell they’ve trapped you in for your whole life.

Sometimes, when I see you laying next to me in the morning, sleeping lightly with a gentle expression on your face, I can’t help but to cry silently.   
I see you in front of me, so gentle and soft as you sleep, not a monster, not a weapon, just a man that deep down, wishes he could escape this hell too, even though on the surface you think you deserve it.   
It hurts me to know how much they make you suffer.  
And, when you smile sleepily at me in the morning, murmuring something silly that makes me smile, I want to cry harder. They took away your tears, so why not let me cry for you?  
I know, sometimes you think the reason I start crying is because I’m sad. And that’s true, there’s a whole lot about myself that this may contradict with, but that’s besides the point.   
I’m crying because you deserve love. I’m crying because I see your beautiful smile and wonder how I got so lucky. I cry because I know I’m the only one that understands you, even if I’ve kept it to myself.   
You’d be scared still, if you knew. So I’ll look after you from afar for now.   
But I wish you knew that these tears are because I love you.

I know…you still don’t believe you deserve me. You think you’ll hurt me again, but I know that’s never your intention, and I love you anyways.   
I can see the guilt in your eyes whenever you touch your fingers to me delicately, like I’ll break if you move your hand wrong.   
Sometimes, I wish you’d be rough with me. You’d never be mean to me purposefully, I know that for sure. I see it with the warmth in your eyes despite the guilt, and the softness in your touch, which you reserve just for me because it’s hard for you sometimes.   
But even when we have sex, you treat me like glass, and I admit that I love it. I love every gentle touch and every soft kiss.   
I don’t mind being treated delicately, but it’s why you do so that makes me sad.   
You’re so afraid…but, I’m not going to break. I know I said I was weak, but I’m still tougher than I look too.   
You don’t want your hands to hurt anyone else, to be violent…but it’s okay to loosen up a little. You’re so worried you’ll hurt me, but even if you weren’t as careful, you’d never hurt me.   
But again, that’s something only I seem to see.

When we switched positions that first time, and I was taking you instead, you cried.   
You really cried a lot. I’m still not entirely sure why, but it must be from your past.   
No ones treated you with love or care, from what I’ve heard and what I can infer from you, they probably didn’t treat you well when you were young either.   
I’m sorry…if it scared you, or brought back any unpleasant memories. But I had to show you that you are loved that way as well. You can receive love and pleasure, just like anyone else. I’ll show you how loved you are, no matter how long it takes.   
But, I’ll be gentle too. Really, it’s you who could probably break under the wrong touch, not me.

You keep this trauma all bundled up, acting like you’re fine all the time. You have to keep up this cold and calm facade or they’ll take you back, won’t they? I heard you mention it in your sleep one time.   
“I’m sorry, I’m sorry!” You cried out, “don’t take me back, please I can’t take anymore! I’ll do what you want, just no more…” it must have been a vivid nightmare, you even cried…  
I was unsure what to do, really, so I just stroked your hair gently and gave your forehead a light kiss while I hummed softly to you.   
You still don’t know that’s what I did, I don’t think you know how I stay up with you to keep your dreams safe. But that’s alright.

I dug around the ccgs files…I know it wasn’t right of me and I could have been caught, but I couldn’t help myself.   
I didn’t find a whole lot anyways, but I learnt a bit more about how they keep you as their dog.   
They’ve got a collar around your neck so tightly, Kishou…and with every attempt you make to remove it, they pull it tighter until one day, you’ll suffocate.   
But even though you’re suffocating, struggling to breathe or even move, you still think it’s your fault.   
You’re hung up on this idea they carved into your mind that you are the monster, the Reaper, the God of Death. But that’s nothing, Kishou, that isn’t you.   
That’s what they wanted you to believe you were, but it’s all a big lie. A lie to themselves even. They don’t want to believe that you’re kind, and loving, despite the hell they put you through.   
But you are, and I think that makes you the stronger than anyone, but in a different sense.

You didn’t want me to get close to you, back then. You still worry about it sometimes. That I’ll remember what happened and that I’ll leave you.   
Kishou, you are a fool sometimes, but I can’t blame you.   
I know, though. I’ve known for a little while now, what happened back then.   
I don’t remember it in its entirety, but I don’t think you’d believe me if I told you that I didn’t feel any fear towards that day.   
I’m not scared, knowing that quinque of yours pierced my skull.   
I don’t even remember the pain as I screamed back then, I don’t even remember who I was.   
But I do remember, how I felt relief, more than fear afterwards.   
I thought you’d freed me, saved me even.   
I must have really gone off the deep end, huh?   
I remember as well, waking up and not understanding why I was alive.   
I couldn’t really remember what happened, and I couldn’t remember who I was.   
It was scary, it was really scary, but, would you believe me this time if I told you I was also happy?   
I got a fresh start. Somewhere in my broken mind I knew that this saved my life.   
I was glad not to know who I was or what happened to me.   
It’s like my consciousness knew that I would go crazy again if I had continued on, so it took your actions as a chance to reset.

I have never been afraid of you.   
Maybe it’s twisted of me, to be happy I didn’t know myself, but even now, that doesn’t change. Because if not, I wouldn’t be alive, I wouldn’t have met you again, I wouldn’t have had the chance to live with you.   
I’ve met you three times now, haven’t I?  
Back then, when I fought you underground, then when I had no memory, and lastly, when I became Haise.   
And each time, I fell more in love with you.   
You helped me choose my name, and a silly one at that. But I love it, I love it more than anything because you helped me choose it. I don’t remember my past name, but I know, I know for certain that this name feels right. This is my name, this is who I am.   
I am Haise Sasaki, and I love you, Kishou Arima.

When I saw you for the first time after my eyes got better, I’d never felt so happy before. You were so beautiful, and of course you still are, but there’s something about seeing you for the first time that sets my heart aflutter like nothing else.   
I’m not exactly sure when you fell for me either, but it was pretty obvious from the start that you felt something.   
The way you’d blush lightly and try to change the subject, even when we began living together, you were so unsure of yourself. One moment you wanted to love me, the next you were loathing yourself over thinking someone like you could get near someone like me.   
Obviously, you never scared me away, because I’m right here, with you.   
Maybe I was a little worried at times, I wondered if I’d done wrong or upset you…but then you’d sigh softly and tell me that wasn’t it. I could tell then that I’d done nothing wrong, that you were just nervous.   
I’d hold your hands and tell you gently that it’s okay, being with you made me happy. And then you’d blush softly again. It was cute.

Do you remember the first time I crawled into your bed Kishou? I was scared to sleep by myself, but more so…I was lonely. And I could feel you were too.   
You didn’t know what to do at first, and just watched me nestle against your pillows.   
But eventually, I ended up in your arms, with your nose gently nuzzled into my hair.   
In that moment, I’d never felt more safe. I knew this is where I belonged.   
I had no place before, but you became my home, my safe place. And I hope I too, became a home for you.   
Sleeping in the same bed became more frequent after that, and cuddles got less awkward or nervous. It was a nice feeling, we were growing closer.

I remember our first real kiss too, it happened one night during a rain storm.   
We were both tired, snuggling to one another, but your soft breaths on my neck got to me…and my body felt too warm.   
I had sat up, straddling you gently while both of us were still sleepy.   
It was a romantic scene, if I say so myself. There was even a bit of foggy moonlight shining in through the window as I leant down to press my lips against yours.   
It was so gentle and quiet that I thought I was dreaming.   
You were still for a moment, but your lips moved back against mine. It set my whole body into a frenzy of sparks because you were kissing me in return.

I tried to keep my cool, to keep it simple, but I admit, I lost control of myself that night. I desired you so much, I couldn’t help myself.   
My kisses were needy and messy, and my fingers fumbled with your shirt as I worked my way to your jaw, nipping lightly and moving down towards your neck.   
My kisses were so messy, it was funny almost. But I wanted it so bad that I didn’t care. The soft moans that escaped your lips didn’t help either, and my tongue trailed down to your collar bone.   
I’ll never forget how wonderful you tasted that first night as I kissed along your chest.   
You didn’t protest, which made me happy. And eventually, you turned us around so that I was on the bed.   
It was your turn to give me messy kisses and I loved every one of them as you tried to remove the sweater I was wearing. Of course you struggled, but I still found it sweet. It was that much more satisfying when you finally rid me of it and devoured my chest in kisses this time.

We didn’t go all the way that night, but it was still wonderful for our quiet first time.   
It’s still just as wonderful, when I peck your lips with a quick kiss before we leave for work, or when we get caught making out in the elevator. That’s always a fun one.   
Getting up to our business in the office or anywhere else there is always exciting, and it’s so much fun to piss them off.   
It’s nice, seeing you have fun too. When you laugh, my heart goes wild still, and I wonder if maybe you’re starting to find happiness within yourself.

You still haven’t talked to me about your past or your thoughts, but please don’t be scared. I’ll always love you, little snowball.   
That nickname is cute, I think it suits you.

You know…I’m…I’m still a little nervous about it…but I want to get married, Kishou.   
I wonder if you feel the same, but I’ll wait a little longer to see if you act first.   
We talked about it once, though we both got too shy and changed the subject to something lighter, like books.  
But maybe…maybe I could propose to you? I’d like that, but either way I’d be over the moon.   
Having you propose to me would be a dream come true, but I’d also like to see the look on your face if I asked you too. Maybe it will happen one day, maybe it won’t.   
It would be nice to have a family with you, though, I guess that’s asking a bit much so far. I have to keep it slow, I don’t want to overwhelm you….

It’s been a few weeks now, and things have been interesting lately. It’s been a little quieter, but not to the point of awkward. And there’s been lots of snuggles and dates even! It was lovely going out with you for more than a couple days in a row. I wonder what’s gotten into you, silly man. Not that I’m complaining, I love being out with you. Even if we just go for coffee, I could spend days upon days just sitting and relaxing with you. We did fun things as well, and I loved it all. You had fun these past few days, I’ve never seen you smile so much, but you were still nervous about something, I could tell.

You’ve been treating me so well Kishou, it almost scares me. You aren’t going away are you? Even if it were just for a mission…this much love and passion could mean there’s a chance of you not making it home..right? Please…talk to me Kishou.

I’m so relieved, you don’t have some life threatening mission you’re going on. But still…what’s with all this kindness recently? You’re always kind, but you’ve treated me like a prince the past week…and I don’t really understand. Maybe I should just stop worrying and appreciate the love you’ve put into this though. You’re trying so hard, and it warms my heart.

Kishou you’ve been acting a little weirder, and I keep thinking…even if you reject it, or aren’t ready, I’d still like to ask.   
So I went out today and bought something. It’s a ring, of course. It’s nothing special, just a silver band with a small gemstone in the center of it.   
It’s simple, but beautiful. At least I think so. I’ll have to work up the courage to do this though…maybe I could ask you on a date this time…yeah. That sounds good.

It’s almost time to leave, but I’m so nervous…I have to do this though. I want to show you how much I love you. Will you finally believe me if we get engaged? I hope so…I just…want you to be happy.

I’m still in shock, really. The date was wonderful, nothing too fancy, but nothing too casual.   
Thankfully it wasn’t somewhere we had to eat either, we just had drinks.   
I think the edge from the drink gave me just enough courage to do it.   
But, when I pulled out the little box to hold it out to you, getting ready to kneel down, you did the same thing.   
I couldn’t believe my eyes, Kishou, really I couldn’t!  
You started laughing though, and it made me smile so wide my cheeks hurt.   
We proposed at the same time, and we both cried too.   
I’ve never been happier Kishou, I love you so much. This ring means everything to me, but you mean even more.

You seem to be feeling a little better recently, you smile more, and you even showed off your ring to a few people.   
I don’t think you noticed, but it actually made me cry a little. You showed it so proudly…you’re not ashamed to show off who you’re engaged to. You’re not ashamed of me.

I’m sorry for excusing myself so suddenly, but the wave of emotions that hit me were so strong, I couldn’t stop crying. I’m okay though, I’m just happy.

Seeing you smile, and seeing you laugh is such a wonderful gift. I hope you’re starting to accept that you do deserve happiness after all this.   
I’ve shown my ring off to so many people as well, I’ve lost count by now. But I’m proud of you, Kishou. I’m so very proud to be able to call you my husband soon.

If you ever come across this book, Kishou, I hope you understand how much I love you, and how amazing you truly are.  
It’s not as if I’m going anywhere though, please don’t worry!  
At least I hope I’m not.   
I’m just saying so, in case you get curious and take a peek inside.   
I want to spend my life with you, and I want to see you happy, truly, genuinely happy, Kishou.

**Author's Note:**

> i wrote this at 5am one night but i love them ,,,,,


End file.
